The Frappuccino is the Gateway Coffee

Honestly, I have enough vices. I didn’t need another. This is why I didn’t drink coffee. That and the fact I didn’t really like a cup full of bitterness every morning, thank you very much. But a few years ago my wife asked if I wanted a sip of her Mocha Frappuccino Double Blended with Whipped Cream from Starbucks. Like Adam persuaded by his feminine partner, I too tasted of the forbidden thing.

It was awesome. It tasted nothing like coffee, not really. It was more like a chocolate shake than cup of joe. And thus began my love affair with the blended beast.

I quickly learned that it was only a small step from blended mocha to hot mocha. I felt myself slipping down the proverbial slippery slope into the intensely dark world of Juan Valdez.

“Friends” didn’t help. I came to realize many of my closest friends were taking a cup with dinner or starting their morning with Folgers and Maxwell House. I guess it’s true. You become like those you hang with. I too often found myself ordering the occasional cappuccino with dessert or latte late at night.

Now I sit here in Starbucks with a tall, medium roast nearly empty. What have I become? I have already asked Heather for a Keurig for Christmas. I know I’m only a few steps from seeking our a cup of Civet coffee. I never thought this could happen. I’m disgusting! Don’t look at me.

This post is meant to be a place of communal coffee therapy. If you too are a bit of a java junkie, let me know about your story below. What is your favorite brand, blend, or brew? Comment below:

  1. James Pfeiffer says:

    “…love affair with the Blended Beast.”

    That made me laugh…thanks for that on this dreary post-holiday Monday morning in the office!

  2. Nathan says:

    I don’t start my mornings without a hot cup of “bean juice”. I also find that the caffeine of great help when I get one of my frequent migraines, just enough dulling of the pain to be able to function.

    Just remember, embrace the bean, don’t fight it. As long as the cups aren’t loaded with sugar and creamer, a couple cups a day has been found to have some health benefits.

  3. Nancy says:

    My mother and aunts and uncles all told me it would stunt my growth . I started drinking it when I was 5’10” and 16….sure enough I did not grow any more. Trust Heather, if this is your worst vice, you’re okay.. I love the iced coffee with sugar free vanilla. Your angst made me LOL

  4. Matt says:

    Enjoyed the post. My wife was the same until I corrupted her after we got married with Gevalia coffee (it came in the mail every month for the ultimate convenience). I really enjoy my Keurig now! The great thing is that there are so many choices and you don’t have to commit to just one (particularly helpful if you have a problem with commitment). (The bad thing is that it can be expensive – just make sure you get a re-usable filter cup!).

  5. Isaac says:

    LOL! Josh, this is great! Thanks for the post. I think I have been drinking coffee since I was like 12 (that’s how we roll in GA). I guess there is only one thing left to say, “Welcome to the Dark Side”. Literally.

  6. Bryan Ries says:

    I was NOT a coffee drinker. That was for old guys like my dad and grandpa, black only. That was…until my 7:15 AM Greek class. I caved and became one of the old guys, but with sweetener and half and half. Now, I love my coffee, whole beans freshly ground in the burr-mill grinder and French pressed. Cancel the Keurig request and get a French Press!

  7. My dear Pastor:
    We conclude from your plaintive cry proffered here: you are but peeking over the edge of the Brown Bean Abyss.
    For example, following are some coffee “rules” from the ranch where I grew up:
    Always go up-stream from the herd to obtain water for coffee. This is very important.
    Use ONLY a hole-free, CLEAN sock or stocking for the filter. This is pretty important.
    In your coffee cup, drag a spoon lightly across the surface. If it then takes 15 seconds or so to go back flat, it’s ready. If the spoon won’t make a groove, the coffee is either too weak or too strong. Use your judgment.
    If you can simultaneously chat and hold the cup with your fingers, it ain’t ready. Wait ‘til it takes both hands and an “attitude”.
    Now– Heather didn’t lead you down THAT road, now did she? For this we commend her.
    Oh – And coffee is black. Anything else is confusing: Is it Cafe au lait or Cafe Ole!? See what I mean?
    As close as you can come to good coffee nowadays is Pete’s Coffee – Fair Trade Sumatra blend. None of the Pete’s blends are bitter (like Starbucks). But you have to be careful not to use too much for brewing – they are surprisingly potent.

  8. Alan says:

    I am back, I my self do not thank of coffee as a vice, maybe because I only drank it every now and then like pop and other drinks. Keep us in your prayers, many things are depending upon the Lord. By the way I do not go to Starbucks because they do not let me carry my gun. I feel un-self with out one. Just joking.

  9. Francis Keaton says:

    Alas, I tried the Frappacino thing and I gained some significant weight. Now I find that a really large latte with non fat milk and no whip. Just coffee Of course if you really need a wake up you can have a double shot of expresso in it. So far I have resisted the sirens of Kurig and the expresso and latte machines. If you try Williams Sanoma at say the District you will find it real den of coffee iniquity. Then over to Whole Foods to pick your favorite beans. Oh MY!!

  10. Chrissy Teis says:

    No matter how many different ways my husband has gotten me to taste all those things, I can still taste the “coffee” in them & do not like any of it.

  11. Chris says:

    Dear Pastor Teis,
    As I sit with my leadership team and we type, sipping the forbidden brews which you so aptly described….shame washed over us…OH THE HUMANITY of our own vices was too much to bear….until the morning, when we find the best part of waking up, is …, well, you know the rest.

    thank you for the best laugh this week!!!!

    Bro. Chris

  12. Cindi Porter says:

    FYI…….do you realize that coffee was once known as the drink of the devil ? It was outlawed in Europe a few hundred years ago. Thought you all would find that information interesting…..and
    ….that’s a fact Jack !!!!!!!!!
    Drink up….cafe ole !!!!!!
    And oh….so sad to hear you blaming Heather for your fall……..:(

    • Joshua Teis says:

      Cindi, that little factoid seems both discouraging and inevitable all at the same time. Thus my inward battle continues.

  13. Marcus says:

    I tried quitting coffee once… my life became dull and empty.

    By the way Pastor, check out “Nespresso.” It’s like a Keurig, but makes Italian-esque espressos. There is also a milk-frother so you can make Lattes and all those other foo-foo drinks 😀

  14. Mary says:

    Keurig Vue Island Coconut. Drinking it as I post. I am so hooked and alas it has been discontinued. I am having withdrawals for sure. I have been to Bed Bath and Beyond several times to order and I think I have depleted their warehouse. It says it will expire before I can drink it all but who cares, my mind is more in a panic of not being able to find any than if it is expired.

  15. Kathy Parks says:

    Ol’ black water, keep on rollin,
    Seattles Best, level 4

  16. Mary says:

    I used to drink coffee and broke myself of the habit. Instead I choose iced green tea. Really good stuff and supposedly good for you. Well, when we moved here 3 yrs ago I was tired and needed coffee to get going in the morning. , Now every AM I have my coffee while on the computer watching or listening to Biblical sermons, Bible studies, devotionals , interviews of Christian notables or other Christian related subjects ( Not an ounce of guilt as I look at the kitchen sink with the dirty dishes from breakfast etc.)
    I cannot think of a better way to enjoy my morning.. The coffee never tasted so good! I have redeemed my coffee habit. LOL

  17. Alma Quintino says:

    Dear Pastor Teis
    You have got to try the PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte) from Starbucks. It’s like Christmas in a cup. Amazing!!

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